.. I couldn’t handle my feelings, and then an affair went badly wrong, and I couldn’t cope. My parents assume it was a man ... but it wasn’t.’ She looked directly at Hayley, with a spark of her former vitality and charm, and the other woman suddenly remembered how attractive Vanessa could be.‘So ... are you saying all this because you want to make it up to me?’ Hayley enquired, with lips pursed and eyebrows raised.‘No, I think I want to make up to you’, Vanessa laughed, and then she added, more seriously: ‘I think I was always attracted to you, I knew how nice you were and I could see the sexy figure under that dreadful frumpy garage-gear you always wore – and that’s what I was fighting, I couldn’t admit back then that I’m a lesbian, so I pushed you away by being bitchy and buried my feelings, doing everything conventional.’ She gave another, more bitter laugh. ‘I even did the whole cheerleader schmozzle, letting one of the football jocks have my cherry, trying “dating” with the. " That was nice." It was. We couldn't talk personally, of course, but I felt ok afterward. I just needed a moment to catch my breath, I guess. Like you said, it was an Almost and I hadn't quite shaken it off." You spent a long time punishing yourself over your feelings about him." I didn't ever think it through. I just panicked and tried to deny the whole thing. I guess it just didn't occur to me that I over reacting a bit. If I had talked to someone about it then, I could have saved myself a lot of grief, could I?" It usually works that way. So why do you feel different about it today? What changed?" I'm not sure, really. I seem to be the only one who has an issue with it for one thing. But, really, I just don't think I can get over him." So you figure it's worth a try?" Is that a bad idea?" Not if you don't feel like fainting."She smiled at that, "I don't." Good. Have you decided what you're going to do next?" Not entirely. I agreed to have dinner with him tomorrow night--off-campus.
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